26 August 2016The English Premier League would like to remind you that now the Olympics are over that its football games are the perfect accompaniment to the previous two weeks of world-class sporting achievements – although with far more swearing multi-millionaires and legally inconvenient threesomes.
“Ok, I’ll give you that they had the world’s best athletes striving to beat the limits of human performance” . said a representative from the FA today “But why not continue that feel-good atmosphere by paying £80 for a ticket to stand for two hours in a freezing piss-sodden terrace while angry men hoof a ball up and down the pitch and psychopaths supporting the other team threaten to kill you and your family all to end in a unfulfilling 0-0 draw. Feel the Samba magic!”
“And yes we know the Olympics was free to watch on the BBC but wouldn’t you rather be paying a nice man like Rupert Murdoch £70 a month to experience such all-time soccer classics as mid-week Stoke versus Hull? Obrigado!”
“That said not every Olympian behaved in the true spirit of the games. For example Ryan Lochte’s lies about being robbed , public urination and abandoning his friends by fleeing the country obviously stood out. If he’s available we’d love to have a chat” said a spokes-person from Chelsea Football Club.