Eagle Withdrawal Devastates Headline Writers


20 July 2016

Angela Eagle’s withdrawal from the Labour leadership contest has sparked a wave of protest through the newspaper industry who were counting on writing headline puns based on her surname to revive their flagging publications.

“It could have heralded a new golden age of journalism” exclaimed one tabloid editor “Basically budgets have got so tight round here that we’ve had to do away with investigative reporting, fact-checking, protecting sources and all that other nonsense and now 90% of our budget is spent on paying an English studies intern to come up with words that rhyme with ‘crisis’. Well— I say paying.”

“We had some amazing headlines all ready to be launched— ‘The Eagle Has Sanded’ - if we ever accidentally went through her rubbish and found a receipt from B&Q – ‘Where Eagles Pair’ when we long-lensed her topless sunbathing in the privacy of her own home . Now all these treasures have been lost to the nation. It’s an absolute disgrace.”

“The closest we’ve ever got with Corbyn is trying to make a pun about trouser presses and you can’t build a modern media empire on the back of that!”